Suspicious Packages

I have an amazing friend living in Calgary who gave me a first hand account of her day:

"This morning I left for work at 7:30 as usual and the end of my street was blocked off with police tape. There were tons of cop cars and EMS and fire trucks but most of the guys were just standing around so I was like whatever. It's probably just another accident as is so common during rush hour. So I went around the crescent and out the other way. Then at like 10am, my roommate calls my cell and is freaking out. Like seriously, she's crying and talking so fast I can barely understand her. It was like "lnawiofnofwointqintq...evacuated....bouwefhowhenfe...wouldn't let me back in the house...woithoewitwxn... and my pet crab might die". Ok. So the I hate the crab anyway, good riddance. Well I didn't actually say that but finally after getting her to talk slower and then calling my Dad to see what he knew (he always listens to the news) and calling the police info line I found out that they evacuated my entire street and the 3 schools, post office, 7-11, and McD's due to a "package" that made 2 postal workers sick at like 7am."

Things I find entertaining about this story--

1) The roomates freak out about the crab totally resembles Ron Burgandy's "GLASS CAGE OF EMOTION."

2) The fact that Ashley totally called the police info line (such a deliciously homeschooly thing to do...one that I fully would have replicated in the same situation).

3) Ashley's blind hatred of the crab

And 4) The fact that the package actually held cold remedies and antiseptics from the UK with no return address. Can't you totally see some dude with bad teeth, sitting on a florally, overstuffed chair watching the tube and being like "OOOPS! guess I should have wrapped those in a Ziplock!"