James Pepler

James Pepler is a funny guy. He writes for the campus news paper, and it is the only thing worth reading in that damned paper. A sampling of his humor for all you folks out there:

Guess what? The bus sucks!

Written by James Pepler

Thursday, 12 January 2006

"Do you want to know what I hate? Of course you do. The bus, I hate the bus. For reasons beyond my control I now rely on this terrible mode of transportation to get me from school and back. Why such hatred for an environmentally acceptable system, you ask? Good question reader. Firstly, because that whole environment argument is a load of crap. Ask anyone on the bus if, given a new car, they would still take the bus. Hell no, they wouldn’t. They’d leave the bus-goers behind in a cloud of polluted dust. Secondly, because the Saskatoon bus system sucks ass. Now, I’ve lived in Calgary, Montreal, and Japan, not to mention visited other bustling metropolitan centers, all of which have far better city transit systems. Trying to get anywhere on the bus takes an hour or more. Good reasoning too for a city that spends half of the year in winter. “I know, let’s set up a chaotic and inefficient transit system that makes the people wait in the cold until they die.” Hmm, actually that might not be a bad way to weed out the elderly and the homeless. But it sucks for the young productive Peter and tireless Tammy of Saskabush. I work at the Willows Golf and Snobbery Club. Do you think a bus goes out there? Heck no, and why should it? If you can afford to golf, you can afford a car. Lastly and most importantly, I hate the bus atmosphere. Everyone is packed in like sardines, breathing everyone else’s breath, and trying to look around while avoiding eye contact with the others. I’m not sure why, but people on the bus piss me off too. For example, I saw a student on the bus, frantically going over her notes with whiteout, highlighter, and ruler on the start of the third day. The third fucking day! Can anyone say future control-freak-workaholic? Maybe she just made me feel lazy? Whatever. I’m not exempt from this bias either. When I’m on the bus I hate myself too. I hate getting on the bus and having every eye on the bus stare at you, wondering if you’ll sit next to them and disrupt their safety zone. I hate having nothing to look at except heart-wrenching or gruesome charity ads on the bus. And most of all, I hate having to pay $2.25 each way when I could be using it for my lip balm addiction. All this hatred may stem from some traumatic bus experiences I had when I was younger and full of silly bus-related delusions of grandeur. One event I recall, too vividly, was when I took the wrong bus and ended up on the wrong side of town with only one other passenger on the bus. I was like ten years old and he kept asking me if I’d go to Hollywood with him. Then his crazy really came out and he started screaming/singing, “This bus is going to Hollywood,” over and over again, right in my face. Another time, this woman struck up a conversation about how she had a career as a baby-maker and everything that it entailed; I was eight. Lastly, my twin and I played a game to see who could gross the other out more on the bus. He licked the bus floor. I wrapped my tongue around the ding string and moistened most of it. I won. I dare anyone to give me some good reasons for taking the bus or why our bus system is good. Maybe to meet people? “Hi there, so you can’t afford a car either, that’s cool.” Ewww. Sorry to say it folks, the only people that want to ride the bus are crazy people so they have someone to harass or the homeless so they have somewhere to sleep during the day. After a term of taking the bus, my only hope is that I can maintain this hatred of the bus and not become dulled or accustomed to its failings." I'm considering starting up my own official fan club...maybe pinning some photos on my walls, sending him love mail with lip chap tucked lovingly inside...any other creepy suggestions would be welcomed.